I have been a very bad girlfriend. I have used Alex. I have lied to him. I have tested the boundaries of his love. I have treated him as a butler or just someone to buy me stuff. The worst thing I did was cheat on him.

Alex and I have been going through a rough patch. That doesn't justify a thing.

I had been having feelings for Brennan on and off since before me and Alex were together. Soon our text became less innocent and more flirtatious. I would go to the cafe hoping Brennan was there. I was excited when he texted me or when I saw him. But I was Alex's girlfriend. Alex was a great boyfriend. He didn't deserve the lies and betrayal. I had a choice to make: Alex or Brennan.

I cried for three straight hours that night. I was sleeping over at my grandmother's, so when I finally called Alex, still crying, at three in the morning I did so from the tiny bathroom on the opposite side of the house curled up on the toilet seat. Personally, I would have rather done it face-to-face, but I never would have slept that night without confessing it all to Alex. So I spilled my secrets. I admitted to every lie in our relationship. Lastly, I confessed about me and Brennan. I told Alex that I had even almost broke up with him for Brennan.

It hurt. I knew it hurt. But somehow Alex forgave me. That was when I realized what true, unconditional love was, like the love of God for His children. I was amazed. How could he love me after causing him so much pain? I will probably never truly understand the concept, at least not until I finish working on truly loving Alex and treating him the way he deserved. Choosing Alex is not a decision I regret.

Letting my feeling toward Brennan get out of hand I do deeply regret. By choosing Alex, I hurt Brennan, and he hasn't forgiven me so easily. I understand. I lead him on. I told him we would be together and now we won't. If I would have just stopped it before it started, I could still have my boyfriend and my best friend.

Brennan, if your reading this, I do still want to be your friend. Just give everything some time to settle down. I will not let this happen again. If you can't be my friend again, then at least know I am deeply sorry. I shouldn't have let things get so out of hand. I hope you forgive me one day.

In short, cheating isn't worth it.

Rules: This is the place to say fifteen things you wanna say but can't. Obviously, you leave names out. The fifteen things can all be said to the same person or to different people. Doesn't matter because we won't know anyway.

1. You give me butterflies.
2. Sometimes, well, a lot of the time, I want to kiss you.
3. I miss the times we had together and the people I met through you, but I don't miss you.
4. You can go somewheres.
5. You are so annoying and arrogant and just need to leave me alone!
6. I hate being the one who has to keep the conversation alive.
7. I want you to be another one of my dirty little secrets.
8. I wasn't really asleep.
9. You are a jerk and an idiot and you have no life.
10. And please wear a decent pair of jeans next time you go out in public, or at least don't wear incredibly long shorts underneath that show through the hole in your pants. It looks trashy.
11. Respect me for more that the fact that I play Magic, like that I have a life, a future, and morals, all of which you lack.
12. Do you know what I'm trying to say when I give you that smile?
13. Why didn't you answer my question? Are you scared of what we are on the verge on? So am I, but I'm excited too.
14. You'd be a good tech if you'd shut up and do your job instead of just try to make me miserable.
15. Thank you for breaking my heart. No I'm not being sarcastic. It has made me independent and it gave me the strength to face my issues.

I love Alex. I really do. He's my best friend. I love spending time with him. He treats me well.

I am his entire world. He eats, breathes, sleeps, dreams me. Some girls wish a guy would be that involved with them, but not me. I'm not perfect. I will hurt him sometimes. And, quite frankly, I'm not interested in spending every waking second in his presence. I have my own life. I want Alex to, too. I want him to have someone else he can be close to.

I am his drug, and the only solution I can see is forcing him to go cold turkey. Maybe after he matures we can try to start a relationship again, but I don't wanna hurt him. I want him in my life. Overall, though, I want what's best for him.

Update: When I got in Alex's truck today he had a box of dove chocolate on the seat waiting for me. :( Why are these things so hard?