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Sunday, 22 November 2009

  • Moving On

    So Paul apologized for what he did. But it hasn't changed a thing. It doesn't change my insecurities. It doesn't change the fact that, deep down, I'm not that good of a person. I'm not sweet. I can be hell.

    Which leads me  to figure: maybe I put too much blame on him. Maybe what he did was just something that happened to me. Maybe it's not the reason why I'm me. Maybe I'm the reason why I'm me.

    Maybe I'm just doomed to fail by my own shortcomings. Maybe I will always be trapped in this state. Maybe I will never be good.

    I just don't know what to do.


Thursday, 19 November 2009

  • A Letter

    Dear Manipulative Jerk,

    I hate you.

    You took my virginity. I didn't want you to have it. But you pulled me around like a puppet on a string. You started by playing on my lack of self esteem. When I would ask you to explain something about computers, or teach me how to play Magic, you would say, "It's too complicated," as if you had such a superior intellect. By the way, did you ever learn how to spell "get"?

    I went to you for love. But you had already given your heart away to your best friend. Still you readily gave lust. You hinted that our chaste relationship just wasn't cutting it. You talked about how much sex others were having with longing in your voice. Finally, I gave up and you took it all. Did you noticed I cringed at your touch?

    You promised you wouldn't tell a soul what we did, but you told all your little friends, even the ones I hated and you claimed you did too. You betrayed me for bragging rights.

    You were supposed to protect me, but you ripped me to pieces. You used me for your own gain. Because of you, I can't trust the ones who said they wouldn't use me and meant it. Because of you, I never feel good enough. I feel used. You haunt me. Sometimes when I kiss his lip I taste yours, and I become afraid that, if I don't give all he'll give up. He tries to comfort me but I just here your words. It makes we want to curl in a ball and cry until it kills me.

    If I never saw you it would make things so much easier. But you just won't stay out of my life. Every time you see me, you greet me by repeatedly poking me in the side, despite the fact that I tell you every time to stop, and none too nicely. You know I hate it, but it's just your way of having power over not just me, but Addie too.

    I don't know if I'll ever be able to forgive you or not hate you. I loved you before and that ended horribly. Just know that if I do, it wouldn't be for your sake.

Monday, 16 November 2009

  • On Sex

    I knew what Paul wanted from me, and he knew how to get it.

    "I would do anything for you."

    "Not anything."

    That was the first time he took a stab at my vow of purity. There where so many more after that.

    Then one day I was bringing him home from work.

    "Everyone at work always talks about what they do with their boyfriend and girlfriend. I wish I had a story to tell."

    I know what I should have done. It's what I would have told myself to do in that situation. I should have stopped the car right there, pushed him out, and told him to walk home because we were through.

    But when we got home, I sold my virginity for bragging rights.

    I can remember every detail. I can remember his heavy breathing, his body on top of mine, the motion, the sweat dripping from him to me. Most importantly, I remember squeezing my eyes shut and telling myself to just let him do, that this was the best I would ever do. I thought it was the closest I'd ever come to love, because I wasn't worth the real thing.

    I cried after. Not immediately after, but while we were eating. I couldn't get the though the lump in my throat. Tears ran down my face. I didn't sob. I was telling myself to be what he wanted. Paul took my tears the wrong way.

    "Listen, the first time doesn't feel that great for most people. It's okay. We can try again later." Paul didn't realize I was crying because I had just lost what I was hoping to walk down the aisle with. That he had taken it from me. But I couldn't say that, because then I would lose him.

    Paul coaxed me through the meal, and we did try again. This time I didn't cry. I pretended to be happy. After that, I grew cold with him. I would only display how much he hurt me in the occasional fight. I would accuse him of not being my protector. Then I would apologize and switch gears back to the girl he wanted me to be.

    After we had sex, I told him I didn't want to again. But we did. He knew the perfect formula of guilt mixed with biting words mixed with lust to get me to obey his whims. After every time, I said never again, but we both knew better.

    Eventually I couldn't go on anymore. The endless cycle was tearing me apart. I broke up with him. He wa barely phased. We both knew it was coming.

    Then I dated Eric. For all his faults, he never once forced sex upon me. He taught me about making love. It was beautiful, even if it wasn't right.

    It was beautiful until the insecure part of me started working on me. He had slept with two girls before me, and I wondered if he compared them to me. He gave me no reason to think so. He gave me no reason to think he only wanted sex from me. In fact, he gave me evidence to the contrary. I refused to believe I was good enough.

    Eric eventually broke up with me. He saw that I had an unhealthy attachment to him. Because I was so horribly codependent, I was depressed. Eric realized that there was something about him that hurt me, so he cut himself off from me. He did me a favor. I didn't realize it at the time. At the time I was furious.

    Now with Alex. We have never had sex. We agree that we want to wait until marriage. But sometimes a little voice enters my head. It insist because he refuses to sleep with me, (and I have tempted him at moments) there must be something wrong with me. I must be hideous. He's disgusted with me. Alex tells me every day how beautiful I am. He constantly tells me he loves me. Better than that, he proves it. He is my protector, and because of the lessons I learned with Eric, I can have a healthy relationship.

    Still, in my dark moments, I think so little of myself. I think I'm worthless. Most of the time, I know that I am worth loving, but when it seems like the world is conspiring against me, I feel that Alex has to have ulterior motive. I feel that he must be out to get me too. In these moments, I lash out at him for not giving in to me. In his eyes flash hurt. He wonders why I think like this. He doesn't understand that I'm more angry at myself than him. But, still, when it would be so easy to ease my anger with lust, he refuses to give in, and I admire him for it.

    Alex is the protector I prayed for. He loves me when I'm good, and when I'm not, he still insist I'm his sweet girl, despite the fact that I'm ticked off at him at the moment. He puts me before bragging rights and pleasure. He never sells me short. He safeguards what's left of my innocence for my wedding day, without concern that he may not be the groom.

    How could I not love him?   

     


Tuesday, 10 November 2009

  • You Make Me Laugh

     The other day, I was at the cafe with Alex and Paul. They were talking bad about a girl we knew.

    "I have no problem with her," I said. Truth be told, I barely knew her.

    "She talks about you behind your back," Paul replied.

    I was curious. Like I said, we didn't know each other very well. "What she said?"

    "She said you have  no boobs."

    Alex held me tighter. I guess he expected me to be furious. I laughed.

    First off, I have a decent cup size. I like my boobs. Even if I was flat as a wall I wouldn't care. It has nothing to do with my character.

    Second, this girl was insecure because I dated her boyfriend for, like, two months back in sophomore year. Did I mention I'm a freshman in college, and I've dated other guys since then? I'm still friends with her ex, so she's worried I'll try to steal him away enough to convince him she has better boobs. I have NO feelings for this guy whatsoever. Even if I wasn't with Alex I wouldn't look at him like that. I don't even think he's cute.

    Silly girl.
     

Friday, 23 October 2009

  • Some People

    So today was supposed to be a randomly awesome day. We went to the cafe then Circle Park, the playground, to discuss matters of the faith and watch the parade. After the parade, Brennan, Brandon - who had just gotten into RCIA that day and was super excited - and I were walking to Brandon's car to head back to the cafe when we met up with a guy we know called Lane. Since Brandon is super-excited about becoming Catholic. Lane proceeded to tell us about what douchebags Catholics are and how the Catholic Church was going to fall in five years. Why are people so hateful?

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  • "Suffering is inevitable. Persevering is optional." I'm a Roman Catholic soldier for Christ and I'm ready to prove it. I love arguing with people about politics and religion. I was once a wild soul only God could (and did) tame. You think I'm ignorant and a fool? Try me.

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